About Me

I am starting this blog for personal inspiration and motivation as well as helping others who struggle with weight and eating issues. I have always said as a librarian that I know a little bit about a lot of things and a lot about nothing. But I know A LOT about dieting, nutrition, fitness and eating disorders because I have spent (wasted?) so much time and energy learning about them.

I was a skinny kid who was always active doing things outside with my friends and spending my summers swimming and my winters skiing and sledding. I didn't ever really think about weight, but I know my mom, grandmother and sister did. It didn't hit me until middle school when I decided to diet. I'm not really sure why I did at the time. Because it is what girls did? I don't know. But this diet consisted of not eating and chewing on gum. Needless to say, it didn't last long.

Then, my next stint at dieting happened my sophomore year of high school. My friend told me to get diet pills. Dexatrim. These made me feel shaky and weak but I took them anyway. This started a cycle of starvation diets. My idea of a diet was to not eat and take diet pills to help me not eat. This lasted, on a off, throughout high school. It got especially bad during my senior year when after a bad breakup with my boyfriend, I wanted to lose weight to try to prove something. I'm not sure what. To make myself look good so that he would want me back? To make him jealous that other boys would want me? Or for attention? Maybe it was all of the above.

The event that probably created the serious problem I have with my body came right before I left for college.  I starved before I left for Boston. I was starting a new chapter in my life and of course I thought I had to be thin for this. I starved myself so badly that I fainted in the plane aisle on the flight to school. The result of this led to the first time in my life when I actually became overweight. This huge change led to me eating and drinking uncontrollably throughout my freshman year of college. Obviously, the only choice available (in my mind) after the year was over was to starve myself again, continuing the bad cycle and making me go deeper and deeper into an eating disorder that I believe I still have today at 48 years old. I won't go into huge detail, but I used many unhealthy means to try to be skinny. I ran marathons, smoked cigarettes, binge drank, starved, tried every diet-of-the-moment, etc. I always wanted to get to that magic number that would make me happy. Sure, I did lose weight, but it never lasted. Luckily, I quit smoking some time ago and rarely drink beer or any alcohol for that matter.

So, what do I do now? I would like to journal every day via blog since I never really keep up when using a book. I would like to keep listening to podcasts for inspiration and get ideas from others to help in my healing journey. But most of all, I want to get healthy for my family and for me. And at the same time help and get help from others out there in cyberland.  I have faith that it is possible.