My First Setback in Awhile

For some reason on Tuesday I decided to buy Cadbury mini eggs at a convenience store. I had to get cash from the ATM for my daughter and so I bought a coffee. (I live in a rural area where a bank is far away) Right at the register was a big bin of candy on sale. The mini eggs are my favorite and I can eat them by the pound. Usually every year I do. I said I can have a bag. I also bought a caramel egg too. I ate both.

I am not quite sure why this happened. I recently saw Jon Gabriel in a documentary and found him interesting. I checked out his website and bought his book on Kindle. I read it in a day. (I always do this with diet books) I devour them. I cannot tell you how many books I have read about this topic in my lifetime. And the money I have spent!! It is staggering. But, I love to read and I love to learn new ideas. I take bits and pieces from everything.

He lost 200 + pounds by not dieting. He used visualization and ate healthy foods. He believes diets make you fat and put you into fat mode. So, I have been listening to the night visualization CD. After the first night, I bought the chocolate. The next day, I ate two brownies before 9 am and had 3 cookies from the cafeteria and scarfed them down. What happened?

I believe I ate this junk yesterday because I had a frightening snowy ride into work. At one point I was fearing that I wouldn't make it without an accident. I struggled getting up hills and I couldn't see the road. Plus, it was rush hour. So, starting my day like that and then starting a new semester with new students at the middle school in which I work set me up for emotional eating. I get this urge that comes over me that makes me want to get sugar and fat and eat it a lot of it fast. That scares me into thinking that I won't be able to stop, like an alcoholic, smoker or drug addict once they use again. How do we, as humans who need to eat, handle this? I think the answer that I have to accept is that I cannot make any food off limits. And if I do have a binge, accept it and just get back on track the next day. But what if the binges continue? Accept it and try to get back on track as best I can.

I am feeling better today. I made sure I went on a run after work yesterday/ It felt amazing!! The snow was beautiful and I just felt happy and good. I believe it is imperative for me to get outside whenever possible and get my lungs and heart going. I feel lucky to have the knowledge that I have. I feel lucky that I have a body that can in fact go outside and run. I feel lucky that I live in a beautiful area. I feel lucky that I have a healthy family. The glass is half full.

A Visit to the Doctor

Last April, I was called by my doctor's office to come in to discuss my blood work. I had very high cholesterol and high glucose levels. Never considering myself overweight in the past and always thinking I was in control of my diet, this came as a huge shock. She showed me what I should eat to help this before trying medication. I felt like a HUGE failure which is very typical for me as I am sure it is for most people who struggle with their weight. Of course I know what I should eat!! I am a professional dieter! At the same time, I started seeing a therapist about my disordered thinking concerning body image. She told me not to even worry about the cholesterol at this time. So, I didn't. I focused on loving myself more.

Fast forward to yesterday (January 23rd). I went back to the doctor because I couldn't find the paperwork to get my blood work done again. I had lost 7 pounds since last April which was probably more like 12 since I had a huge sweater on, jeans and boots. This made my day! I had no idea because back in April I closed my eyes when I got on the scale and said I didn't want to know the number. I guess my new habits that I have been trying to implement are paying off and I wasn't even aware. I told my husband this and he was shocked too. Slow, baby steps. I can no longer rely on quick weight loss attempts. They have always failed me in the past.

TGIF

Snow and Cold Won't Deter Me

We were hit with a big storm on Tuesday afternoon and evening and an arctic blast of cold temperatures. Luckily this year we didn't lose power so we had heat. Also, luckily, school was cancelled so I didn't have to make my hour long commute in bad weather. My daughter and I spent the day at home reading and watching shows together. All in all, a great day!

I got a Fitbit Flex at the beginning of January and I have to say I absolutely love it and don't regret spending the money on it at all. It really encourages me to get off my butt and move. Since I like to read and knit so much, I can easily sit for hours on end especially when there is winter weather. So, I bundled up and went out on a walk. It was cold, but not unbearable. I just made sure I had a scarf to cover my face. I walked for about 40 minutes until my boots started rubbing my ankles badly. I didn't reach my goal of 10,000 steps so I went out later to shovel my car and walked around the block to complete my goal. Not a big deal at all!!

Of course, I made sure to track all of my food. A friend gave us some venison and I tried it for the first time. I've always been too scared to try it in the past. I'm not a huge meat eater. It kind of has always grossed me out, but the venison wasn't bad! I could eat it again. I think it is much healthier than the beef we get from the store which are raised on an unnatural diet. Plus, it helps control the deer population which has been destroying the native plants in our area. Overall, I made good choices except maybe I had a little too much dark chocolate. :)

Here's to a 3 day work week!

My New Journey

At the beginning of November, I decided to change things. I have been on a pattern of dieting, starving, dieting, starving, exercising, not exercising for too long. I decided I wanted to create new, lifelong patterns that I can stick to forever. I don't want to be like my mom who at 85 is still drinking SlimFast to try and lose that same 20 pounds that she has gained and lost since she was in her 20s. Can I stick to 26 WeightWatcher points for the rest of my life? Can I never eat grains or sugar again? Should I run another marathon? The answer for me is a definitive NO!

I can track my food every day. I can try to reach 10,000 steps a day. I can try to run a few times a week. I can be nicer to myself when I don't run or when I do overeat. I can reach out to to others who are involved in this same process. So, this is what I have done or 2 1/2 months. I haven't really lost weight, but I do feel better. I am starting to notice how different foods make me feel during exercise. I haven't magically changed into a different person, but I am making small, baby steps towards a healthier mindset concerning health and fitness. 

The test is to see if I can keep these new habits that I am trying to establish. This is part of the reason I started this blog, oh and the fact that my cholesterol is high from all of my yo-yo dieting.

About Me

I am starting this blog for personal inspiration and motivation as well as helping others who struggle with weight and eating issues. I have always said as a librarian that I know a little bit about a lot of things and a lot about nothing. But I know A LOT about dieting, nutrition, fitness and eating disorders because I have spent (wasted?) so much time and energy learning about them.

I was a skinny kid who was always active doing things outside with my friends and spending my summers swimming and my winters skiing and sledding. I didn't ever really think about weight, but I know my mom, grandmother and sister did. It didn't hit me until middle school when I decided to diet. I'm not really sure why I did at the time. Because it is what girls did? I don't know. But this diet consisted of not eating and chewing on gum. Needless to say, it didn't last long.

Then, my next stint at dieting happened my sophomore year of high school. My friend told me to get diet pills. Dexatrim. These made me feel shaky and weak but I took them anyway. This started a cycle of starvation diets. My idea of a diet was to not eat and take diet pills to help me not eat. This lasted, on a off, throughout high school. It got especially bad during my senior year when after a bad breakup with my boyfriend, I wanted to lose weight to try to prove something. I'm not sure what. To make myself look good so that he would want me back? To make him jealous that other boys would want me? Or for attention? Maybe it was all of the above.

The event that probably created the serious problem I have with my body came right before I left for college.  I starved before I left for Boston. I was starting a new chapter in my life and of course I thought I had to be thin for this. I starved myself so badly that I fainted in the plane aisle on the flight to school. The result of this led to the first time in my life when I actually became overweight. This huge change led to me eating and drinking uncontrollably throughout my freshman year of college. Obviously, the only choice available (in my mind) after the year was over was to starve myself again, continuing the bad cycle and making me go deeper and deeper into an eating disorder that I believe I still have today at 48 years old. I won't go into huge detail, but I used many unhealthy means to try to be skinny. I ran marathons, smoked cigarettes, binge drank, starved, tried every diet-of-the-moment, etc. I always wanted to get to that magic number that would make me happy. Sure, I did lose weight, but it never lasted. Luckily, I quit smoking some time ago and rarely drink beer or any alcohol for that matter.

So, what do I do now? I would like to journal every day via blog since I never really keep up when using a book. I would like to keep listening to podcasts for inspiration and get ideas from others to help in my healing journey. But most of all, I want to get healthy for my family and for me. And at the same time help and get help from others out there in cyberland.  I have faith that it is possible.